Return To Sender

Ahmadinejad has written to GWB - ahh, how sweet...Shadi and I were trying to guess what it said this morning. She thinks that Mahmoud was telling George what wonderful eyes he has and inviting him for some romance under the Tehran skies. Personally, I think the letter was really meant for Condi since now that Jack Straw has been sacked by Blair, Ahmadinejad reckons he's in in with a chance.

Well, after coming into work, I found on my desk a plain manila envelope mysteriously addressed to the "Fragrant Harbour Blogger" (how they knew my work address one can only know) and behold, an illicit copy of the letter as sent to Bush. Turns out both Shadi and I were partly right. It's a particularly rambling letter starting off very aggressively but softening considerably before the end.

Here's a parsing of the most interesting bits:

"Dear Goat F**cker,

By the will of blessed Allah, my lamb kebab has just arrived so forgive me if the paper is a bit oily...

Meester Bush, your bellowing about Iran is like is like a man without balls bragging about impregnating a 60 year old woman. I'll put it in terms you might understand - Iran is now a nucular power - haven't we proved as much by our dancing students holding vials of liquid?

You are too late, Meester Bush - if you bomb us now, we can easily make new vials from our children's chemistry sets at home. I make this solemn promise that if you bomb Iran, all the kebab sellers in the city of New York will go on strike, meaning that all your police and lawmen will go hungry.

If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possible imagine. (to quote one of your popular 'motion pictures')

If you bomb Iran, I will stop trimming my beard so that it will grow long and straggly so it will be more scary.

Now George, we are not so different, you and I. We are both religious tee-totallers who have broken our electoral promises. You think Iran is not a democracy but I had to lie real hard to get elected...just like you! I thought that out of all world leaders today, you would recognise this defining feature of democracy.

Now, let me address some of things I have been reported as saying so that there is no misunderstanding. First I never called for Israel to be wiped off the map - why should I? In Iran none of the maps show Israel anyway...Anyway what I meant to say was that the current regime in Israel should go - there you go another thing we have in common: a wish to conduct regime change in other countries...The problem I think is that Farsi is just too complicated a language for you Americans. When we want to say that we don't like something, we often say it is a 'stain which needs to be bleached out' - in fact I was just saying that about a particularly bad episode of Baywatch I saw on pirate satellite tv. It doens't mean anything more than I don't like it.

Now, I am going to Indonesia in a couple of days to meet Bangbang someone (look- something else we have in common!) but then I am sneaking off to Bali for a "conference". I have put it down as work expenses (don't tell the Ayatollah) but I am really intending just to sit on the beach and maybe surf a little. My proposal to you is that you come join me - we can have romantic walks on the beach at sunset; we can talk through the issues between us sharing a non-alcoholic pina colada.

I can rub sun tan lotion on your back and you can do the same....

Love and Kisses - Mahmoud

Ps Bring Condi along too but leave Laura at home"


For those who want to read the entire text of the letter it is here